November Rain

November 01
So things happened:

• NDA for critics on Hideo Kojima's game Death Stranding got lifted, so reviews flooded in en masse. (Game itself launches on November 08.)
• Diablo IV official announcement. As anyone who has been following me knows, I am a huge ARPG fan and have pipe dreams to design an ARPG of my own. So this is HUGE news to me.
• My favorite singer, IU, released a new single yesterday entitled Love Poem. This has zero relevance to this post but I'm just happy for new music.

My ideas on the Diablo IV announcement are here.

My overall conclusion from Diablo IV is this: I am on the same page, ideas-wise, as the Diablo team. From the gameplay trailer and some other videos I've seen, Diablo IV came out quite close to how I would have done it were I in charge of designing that game. Given my lack of funds and general inexperience in computer science, I am a long way from shipping a game myself and I accept it's never happening within this generation of ARPGs. But the fact I have such close ideas gives me confidence.

With this in mind, Death Stranding also showed me two new things.

First, I never was quite able to put into words why I wanted to go into developing video games from an indie/non-profit perspective. I understand it now. I see video games as art, same as television, movies, or books. Art is often used to make social commentary, to make a statement about our lives. And of the art forms video games are more frequently consumed today by our youth than any other medium. Yet there is very limited social commentary in video games, and this is largely due to the corporate environment by which games are made.

Second, Kojima's game also really tells me that what I just outlined - thinking on the same page as Blizzard devs - is not enough. Kojima's impact lies in things that are totally out there, that could never even have been imagined by other devs. If I need to survive as a small fry in such a harsh industry, I have to truly think outside the box. I think the time to start doing so is now.

November 03
(wasn't fully mentally together when writing this; bit of a roundabout rant, sorry)
The cycle is always the same. Coincidentally bump into my ex/neighbor a bunch of times in a short period. Around the same time my dad rats me out with "I don't know what you do every day." Well, I do. I've been planning my game project, drawing concepts, reading about Death Stranding and Diablo IV, and starting on programming and Unity lessons (although I haven't gotten much work in that department, either). But first I don't want tell him that; and secondly he's right, and I'm not happy with my progress in all of the above, including the college paper he's been bugging me about. And with my lack of progress the voice seeps back, even if merely a whisper.

About that, my ex. The part that hurts isn’t really the things she did. It’s that, for all the information on red flags I've read since then, I can’t wrap my head around how to tell a person's character. Like my ex herself was a hardworking girl with probably more mental maturity than myself. You can see that: she has more academic achievements than I, with summer internships and a recent writing award that I just noticed on her LinkedIn. But I never quite noticed her selfishness and emotional immaturity until after I started dating her. And one can see that too, when you realize she's on her 5th boyfriend in 4 years; but that's very subtle, as you wouldn't know that detail unless you've known her for a while.

With a few days left on the semester, I've been thinking about blocking her once and for all. She hasn't really disturbed me much in the past couple of years, save than a friend add at the start of this year - which I discarded, as that was way too early. But now I'm mildly torn. I have little doubt my ex did some shitty things which caused me to leave her. Should it be fair, then, that I also deny her the friendship she (seems to) desire? Or maybe she has changed for the better, or will change for the better, and I will have lost a friend that could be. I need to figure this one out - but I should also probably hold off until my paper's done, lol.

But, back to my dad and my paper. Maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew here. Maybe I just need to focus on a few aspects of game design rather than try to do everything. And I definitely need to put more effort into my career too. It seems so hard sometimes.