Monday, May 20, 2019

relatable meme

Me in 2017:
  • Just broke up with (toxic) gf
  • Realized I don't want to study my major anymore
  • Basically no friends in class as all friends transferred out of the major after last semester
  • Discovered my nephew passed away, was kept a secret from me for over a year
  • All this has inflicted social anxiety and mild depression on me
Parents:




Fast forward to me in late 2018 / early 2019:
  • New major that I actually enjoy
  • Doing much better in school
  • Made a ton of friends (thanks to the video games actually)
  • Made my peace with nephew's death
  • Hardly actually playing any video games
  • Still kind of traumatized by my ex and low on self-esteem but I'm improving a lot
Parents when I told them my mental health hasn't fully recovered:


No kidding, the church has genuinely brainwashed my parents into thinking video games will consume me into a satanist, kind of like how people turn into pigs in Spirited Away. I simply think my parents watch too much TV.

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Moods come and go.

Was productive today. Feeling good. Guess that’s what I’ve been missing this past week. Then I walk to my room, hear my ex and her bf together next door, and I get a little lonely. (Then I leave and immediately feel better.)

I've heard other voices, too: I think they might be watching a TV show together. Reminds me of something my father was telling me a few months back. Get some better hobbies, he said, such as watching TV. I'll let you share my Netflix account to start. And so he did, although I've never used it.

Personally I find most TV boring. I quote Eleanor Roosevelt, "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." The latest season of Game of Thrones, for example, is at best a discussion of events (What did you think of X episode?) and at worst a discussion of people (How was a certain cast member's acting?). I find neither discussion stimulating.

But that's just my opinion, something I'm open to changing my mind about. And I do think shows that generate discussion of ideas (such as a thought-provoking film, a documentary, or political commentary) are worth watching. But I doubt that's what my ex is watching, or that many other people watch for that matter.

Are video games any different in this sense? I believe the way I think about games is more ideas oriented: Why is the game enjoyable, or challenging, or cool? What mechanics were used? What visuals were used? Is there an effective theme or story behind the game or was it just slapped on as an afterthought? Did the game ultimately achieve its goals? From what I see about the game community, this is hardly a common thread, making it perhaps no different from TV.

Although, there is one other benefit of TV. Unlike video games, it can be watched together on a single screen, in the same room and on the same couch or bed, while a boyfriend mindlessly fondles and smells a girl's hair as she smiles, whittling away the hours. It's the kind of cheap lovey-dovey romance that girls want; such as this ex of mine, whose relationship ideals were so up in the clouds I called her a nutjob and dumped her (amongst other, more severe reasons). I think more mature people are more accommodating to their partner's hobbies and interests, and accept that not everything has to be shared. But at the same time, perhaps I can't expect a majority of girls to possess that maturity - and since I have been told I should be more romantic, perhaps I should pick up watching TV.

I'm still undecided. What does the reader think? TV, an effective hobby and couple bonding tool, or simply a useless pastime? Should I pick up watching TV? And if so, what shows would make a good watch?

Thursday, May 16, 2019

About the Blog

"The Bigger the Guns, the Bigger the Boom"
Why? Because Keel is a badass and I'm sad Quake Champions ended up a buggy mess of a game.

Source: Reddit

Personal blog, kind of started on a whim. I like to write, so why not? It's a much more readable format than ranting about my life to my mates on messenger.

Talking about that life.
Not so long ago I recovered a bit of...something. Depression? Anxiety? I do not know. The voices came, telling me that I suck, I'm a failure, that nobody cares, that I deserve to lose all my friends and family and be lonely forever. I fought back. Took me 2 bloody years, and I got held back 2 semesters in uni because of it. But I fought like a mad dog against the black dog until I came out on top.

Now I'm better. Unfortunately I really did lose most of my friends. Didn't really fall out with them or anything, just stopped talking to a lot of them. Most of them have graduated, too, and uni is all new faces I don't recognize anymore. I don't really have time to make new friends either, given how busy I get with college. So happy as I am, I'm kind of a loner now. Guess that's why I started this blog.

Oh and my ex from first year still lives in the next room. That's motivation to graduate, if anything. Didn't really want to move because other than her presence my room is great. She doesn't bother me either, although she's on like her 4th 5th boyfriend or something and they make noise occasionally. (I also suspect she secretly wants to be platonic friends again.) Regardless, she was clingy, insecure, jealous, and immature, and I'm looking forward to never seeing her again.

Other than that, everything is good. I've gained new purpose, new hobbies, grades are kind of better (at least I'm not failing, right?) and I'm enjoying living. Self-esteem and intimacy issues aren't where I want them to be, but they're slowly getting better too. In a sense, suffering from whatever it was may be a blessing in the long run, in that I will end up a better person than if I hadn't suffered.

Oh and I'm in business school, if anyone cares. HRM major. I'm not sure why employment problems come as enjoyable to me but they do. Might have something to do with having a business exec for a father.

Uh okay, hobbies. It's about to get real clear why I'm a big loner, strap in.
  • I play video games, although not much while I'm busy with school. Favorite games tend to be  Hack & Slash (Diablo, Grim Dawn, Bastion, etc.) I used to play a lot of Warframe and Guild Wars 2 and reminisce about those days sometimes, but I don't play them anymore for a number of varying reasons.
  • Been thinking about starting up a video game studio as a side "gig". Chug my creative juices, ship some cool indie concepts, make people smile, send profits to a good charity. It's not really a gig as it makes me no money but it's a dream and I want to make it happen one day. I've been researching new games and planning new concepts in my spare time.
  • I read when I get the time. I always have a ton of books to get through and will never finish half of them.
  • I'm a casual fitness dude, albeit still pretty weak. Would love to get more hardcore but travelling to gym is pain and I'm always busy.
  • I used to play the sax professionally. I brought my horn to uni but I don't get much time to play. Listening to music and paying what's due to support good artists keeps me happier nowadays.
  • I used to draw as well, thinking about picking it up again.
  • I watch comedy infrequently, mostly Conan and The Daily Show. I'm also watching the Azur Lane anime right now, but it's mostly because I play the game and I don't consider myself an anime fan by any means. (The only other anime I have ever watched is Fairy Tail.)
  • Oh and I write, of course. I journal regularly, almost daily, check my mental health, reflect on my life, put together to-dos.
Edit (Oct 26): Updated post with the Keel picture. Updated hobbies to include my TV shows. Updated my ex's relationship status to 5th (lol).